Warning: Grammar sticklers will be irked by this post. This is a super rough post!
That's
what Ive been doing. from the day that I decided I wanted to start
Vlogging or Blogging. There's always some reason why i don't just do it.
So I'm just gonna start. now. OK so the day i decided i would start
-logging again was a few days after a doctors visit. (ill get into that
later). Have you ever wanted to do something really bad but for some
reason you just couldnt get your head in it? Maybe thats what it was.
Excuses included things like 'nobody wants to hear your shit' 'sure
youre fucked in the head, just suck it up and keep faking it' &
'youll never be interesting enough' and many many more. All of course
stemming from self doubt and fear of being judged. Surprising (i think) to most
who know me, I am a big self doubter at times. Though, i dont let people
see that in me. I think i often come off as a self confident go getter.
Someone with balls! And a lot of the time I am. I am the helper, the
never ending giver, the sacrificer. I tend to give soooo much of my time
my love my efforts and more to make others happy which in turn makes me
happy. I am a Trained CBWS babywearing educator (also something ill go
more into later) an Accredited Babywearing educator for BWI of Atlanta
(and President), and founder of Worn with Love, a babywearing and beyond
outreach. Unrelated to babies, I am a certified Pet groomer with a
focus on hard to groom, aggressive, and/or fearful pets. I also used to
be a nursing assistant and patient care tech and an O.D tech. I am
undoubtedly The Helper . I am at my best (or feel at my best) when I am hypomanic.
The link is someones elses explanation of their episodes that i feel
resembles my own. Ill make a post later of my own actual experiences.
With that said, Ive officially outed myself. I am bipolar. Bipolar 2 to
be specific. Please feel free to ask me questions instead of relying on
Dr. google:) . I am many "B" words obviously. But there are 2 of them
that I often keep to myself. The most recently recognized one being
bipolar. For years i was treated for major depressive disorder (mdd),
generalized anxiety disorder (gad) and insomnia and everything was ok.
Before getting pregnant in 2012 there was some symptoms coming thru that
concerned me but at the time I brushed them off. Oddly enough while
pregnant most if not all signs of my "mdd", and most of my gad symptoms
disappear. I am pretty mentally stable as a preggo i think. So in March
2013 i gave birth to Middle A. 13.5 months later out popped Littlest A,
my rainbow baby after a miscarriage that rocked my soul. Fast forward 2
years later and i realize its time to see a doc again. Now by this time
(2016) I had been self coping with all the natural helpers, oils, herbs,
supplements. And i feel this did work for some time. I really want to
do a Vlog on the whole ordeal so for now the important deets are that i
sought help, went thru months of being treated with MDD focused drugs
and came out worse every time. Until one day i sat and thought about the
patterns in my mental health. Called my best friend and told him i
thought i could be bipolar and his response was 'oh i thought you knew'
of course i was ready to throat punch him! We talked about shit and how
my mdd diagnosis may have seemed right bc my (hypo-)manic episodes
went unreported or unnoticed as such (common with bipolar 2 because
unlike full on mania of bipolar 1, the hypomanic episodes dont usually
have a major negative effect on your life). so blah blah blah a few
texts with an awesome friend who is a LCSW
and a 2hr appt with my Dr and blam we have an answer. BPII. and its
like an aha moment. so many events or aspects of my life make so much
more sense. Of course there is much much much more to me then this and
im trying to feel comfortable sharing because as you know i love helping
and being open about things that make me uncomfortable might just help
someone else while also helping myself cope. Sorry if this post seems
rambley. I just knew I had to post this today and get it out there
instead of making excuses as to why i shouldnt. Im done hiding my mental
health behind smiles in fear of being judged. Im hoping my posts will
actually be more planned out too but who knows. Welcome to my blog.
First post done.
