Oh and typos. Yep.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
What are you afraid of??
Well....nothing. nothing at all 🤔 ok maybe nothing. I have started a few post confidently. But the thought of putting myself out there and the fear of being incorrectly judged is terrifying. Now don't get it wrong I don't mind being judged at all. As long as I'm being seen truthfully and not projected upon by the judge. I also don't mind hearing others points of view on myself. I constantly try to look at things from all side. Because I know sometimes we only see what we want. As an adult someone once told me I was mean to them in high school. I WAS MORTIFIED! As a youngin I always thought I was too nice and when I was about 15 I decided that was enough. Mostly bc the assumption by bullies is that if you're nice (and wear glasses) you're an easy target. Ha wrong! I was defending myself and my friends. I was always in defense mode. So of course as an adult, it sucks to know that you might have been a mean girl, unknowingly! 😖 I always saw myself as a vigilantly. A bully ass kicker. A defender. Sooooo.....is it fear of being misjudged.....I see myself as a good person no doubt at all. But what if someone sees me as fill-in-the-blank and has no desire to Really understand me. stupid flip flopping confidence....I know we all feel a certain duality in ourselves. Like you get dressed in the morning and look the mirror like Yas bitch slay! Then you step outside and ok bitch put a sweater on. And that's ok! Right? Right. Im on a path to be ok with myself always at all stages. Sooooo.....those drafts will be posted. Also...this is how my blog will go. Random as fuck and completely unplanned. Very rambly. Very very rambly!
Oh and typos. Yep.
Oh and typos. Yep.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Finding Excuses
Warning: Grammar sticklers will be irked by this post. This is a super rough post!
That's what Ive been doing. from the day that I decided I wanted to start Vlogging or Blogging. There's always some reason why i don't just do it. So I'm just gonna start. now. OK so the day i decided i would start -logging again was a few days after a doctors visit. (ill get into that later). Have you ever wanted to do something really bad but for some reason you just couldnt get your head in it? Maybe thats what it was. Excuses included things like 'nobody wants to hear your shit' 'sure youre fucked in the head, just suck it up and keep faking it' & 'youll never be interesting enough' and many many more. All of course stemming from self doubt and fear of being judged. Surprising (i think) to most who know me, I am a big self doubter at times. Though, i dont let people see that in me. I think i often come off as a self confident go getter. Someone with balls! And a lot of the time I am. I am the helper, the never ending giver, the sacrificer. I tend to give soooo much of my time my love my efforts and more to make others happy which in turn makes me happy. I am a Trained CBWS babywearing educator (also something ill go more into later) an Accredited Babywearing educator for BWI of Atlanta (and President), and founder of Worn with Love, a babywearing and beyond outreach. Unrelated to babies, I am a certified Pet groomer with a focus on hard to groom, aggressive, and/or fearful pets. I also used to be a nursing assistant and patient care tech and an O.D tech. I am undoubtedly The Helper . I am at my best (or feel at my best) when I am hypomanic. The link is someones elses explanation of their episodes that i feel resembles my own. Ill make a post later of my own actual experiences. With that said, Ive officially outed myself. I am bipolar. Bipolar 2 to be specific. Please feel free to ask me questions instead of relying on Dr. google:) . I am many "B" words obviously. But there are 2 of them that I often keep to myself. The most recently recognized one being bipolar. For years i was treated for major depressive disorder (mdd), generalized anxiety disorder (gad) and insomnia and everything was ok. Before getting pregnant in 2012 there was some symptoms coming thru that concerned me but at the time I brushed them off. Oddly enough while pregnant most if not all signs of my "mdd", and most of my gad symptoms disappear. I am pretty mentally stable as a preggo i think. So in March 2013 i gave birth to Middle A. 13.5 months later out popped Littlest A, my rainbow baby after a miscarriage that rocked my soul. Fast forward 2 years later and i realize its time to see a doc again. Now by this time (2016) I had been self coping with all the natural helpers, oils, herbs, supplements. And i feel this did work for some time. I really want to do a Vlog on the whole ordeal so for now the important deets are that i sought help, went thru months of being treated with MDD focused drugs and came out worse every time. Until one day i sat and thought about the patterns in my mental health. Called my best friend and told him i thought i could be bipolar and his response was 'oh i thought you knew' of course i was ready to throat punch him! We talked about shit and how my mdd diagnosis may have seemed right bc my (hypo-)manic episodes went unreported or unnoticed as such (common with bipolar 2 because unlike full on mania of bipolar 1, the hypomanic episodes dont usually have a major negative effect on your life). so blah blah blah a few texts with an awesome friend who is a LCSW and a 2hr appt with my Dr and blam we have an answer. BPII. and its like an aha moment. so many events or aspects of my life make so much more sense. Of course there is much much much more to me then this and im trying to feel comfortable sharing because as you know i love helping and being open about things that make me uncomfortable might just help someone else while also helping myself cope. Sorry if this post seems rambley. I just knew I had to post this today and get it out there instead of making excuses as to why i shouldnt. Im done hiding my mental health behind smiles in fear of being judged. Im hoping my posts will actually be more planned out too but who knows. Welcome to my blog. First post done.
That's what Ive been doing. from the day that I decided I wanted to start Vlogging or Blogging. There's always some reason why i don't just do it. So I'm just gonna start. now. OK so the day i decided i would start -logging again was a few days after a doctors visit. (ill get into that later). Have you ever wanted to do something really bad but for some reason you just couldnt get your head in it? Maybe thats what it was. Excuses included things like 'nobody wants to hear your shit' 'sure youre fucked in the head, just suck it up and keep faking it' & 'youll never be interesting enough' and many many more. All of course stemming from self doubt and fear of being judged. Surprising (i think) to most who know me, I am a big self doubter at times. Though, i dont let people see that in me. I think i often come off as a self confident go getter. Someone with balls! And a lot of the time I am. I am the helper, the never ending giver, the sacrificer. I tend to give soooo much of my time my love my efforts and more to make others happy which in turn makes me happy. I am a Trained CBWS babywearing educator (also something ill go more into later) an Accredited Babywearing educator for BWI of Atlanta (and President), and founder of Worn with Love, a babywearing and beyond outreach. Unrelated to babies, I am a certified Pet groomer with a focus on hard to groom, aggressive, and/or fearful pets. I also used to be a nursing assistant and patient care tech and an O.D tech. I am undoubtedly The Helper . I am at my best (or feel at my best) when I am hypomanic. The link is someones elses explanation of their episodes that i feel resembles my own. Ill make a post later of my own actual experiences. With that said, Ive officially outed myself. I am bipolar. Bipolar 2 to be specific. Please feel free to ask me questions instead of relying on Dr. google:) . I am many "B" words obviously. But there are 2 of them that I often keep to myself. The most recently recognized one being bipolar. For years i was treated for major depressive disorder (mdd), generalized anxiety disorder (gad) and insomnia and everything was ok. Before getting pregnant in 2012 there was some symptoms coming thru that concerned me but at the time I brushed them off. Oddly enough while pregnant most if not all signs of my "mdd", and most of my gad symptoms disappear. I am pretty mentally stable as a preggo i think. So in March 2013 i gave birth to Middle A. 13.5 months later out popped Littlest A, my rainbow baby after a miscarriage that rocked my soul. Fast forward 2 years later and i realize its time to see a doc again. Now by this time (2016) I had been self coping with all the natural helpers, oils, herbs, supplements. And i feel this did work for some time. I really want to do a Vlog on the whole ordeal so for now the important deets are that i sought help, went thru months of being treated with MDD focused drugs and came out worse every time. Until one day i sat and thought about the patterns in my mental health. Called my best friend and told him i thought i could be bipolar and his response was 'oh i thought you knew' of course i was ready to throat punch him! We talked about shit and how my mdd diagnosis may have seemed right bc my (hypo-)manic episodes went unreported or unnoticed as such (common with bipolar 2 because unlike full on mania of bipolar 1, the hypomanic episodes dont usually have a major negative effect on your life). so blah blah blah a few texts with an awesome friend who is a LCSW and a 2hr appt with my Dr and blam we have an answer. BPII. and its like an aha moment. so many events or aspects of my life make so much more sense. Of course there is much much much more to me then this and im trying to feel comfortable sharing because as you know i love helping and being open about things that make me uncomfortable might just help someone else while also helping myself cope. Sorry if this post seems rambley. I just knew I had to post this today and get it out there instead of making excuses as to why i shouldnt. Im done hiding my mental health behind smiles in fear of being judged. Im hoping my posts will actually be more planned out too but who knows. Welcome to my blog. First post done.
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